Category: Blended Family

No Valentine’s Day? Yep, No Valentine’s Day

Anyone can get flowers, cards or candy for a few days when everyone is expecting it. But, if you get the flowers, cards, candy or make a meal that she loves without asking, it means exponentially more because it comes from the heart rather than from the world.

Valentine’s Day

Faith’s Thoughts:

Terry has been extremely romantic from the beginning of our relationship. I explained in a previous post that I had never been loved on in that way. I didn’t think I liked it. Before being a recipient, I thought flowers were a waste a money since they die. After a few bouquets, however, I loved them! I loved to have a bouquet at my desk at work which reminded me every time I saw them I was loved. When people would comment about them, it made me think of Terry who went out of his way to make me feel special. Once it got close to Valentine’s day, Terry explained to me that he doesn’t “celebrate” Valentines because he expresses his love every day. I wasn’t too disappointed though because I hadn’t celebrated that holiday since I was a kid in elementary school passing out valentines to my classmates. I didn’t hate it though like many single people. Valentine’s Day didn’t remind me more than any other day that I was single. Every morning that I woke up, got the kids up and ready for school (by myself), came home to cook dinner, help with homework, and do all the other tasks which were required of me. I was reminded of my singleness. Surely at the beginning of the month when it was up to me to pay all the bills, I was rudely reminded that I was (very) single. Sadly, I didn’t have an expectation of romance in a relationship. I hoped for partnership and the lack of partnership was the greatest reminder of my singleness, not the lack of romance. So, having Terry demonstrate partnership and romance was more than I could ever ask or think.

Terry isn’t a pessimistic person, but regarding Valentine’s Day, I’d describe his attitude as cynical. Terry explained that he didn’t participate in Valentine’s Day because he doesn’t need a date on a calendar to show love since he shows it all year. He also doesn’t appreciate how things are so overpriced for Valentine’s Day and restaurants are crowded. Some people would say “Would you rather celebrate love one day of the year or every other day?” I think that’s a copout. I don’t understand why the choice has a be so drastic. Some men (especially my husband) LOVE the game of football. He’s a fan from the NFL draft to training camp, preseason football, regular season games, the playoffs, and then there’s the Super Bowl. We don’t have to choose between the regular season and the Super Bowl. We watch them both and during the Super Bowl, we celebrate! We go all out like we haven’t been watching for months. Personally, I think those who are romantic should be looking forward to Valentine’s Day all year. Not because it’s the only day to celebrate, but because they get to really go all out.

I’m new to romance and relationships. I like it more than I thought I would. I look forward to Terry’s sweet gestures, so I don’t want any day to be off limits. Ultimately though, my “love tank” is full. He keeps it full, but I’m not opposed to having the tank topped off. If I must choose between being showered with love 1 day or 364 days, certainly, I’d choose 364 days. But, just as there shouldn’t be a day to dictate when we celebrate love, there shouldn’t be a day when we withhold it either. I don’t need a card, not even flowers, Lord knows I have no desire to wait in line a fancy restraint, but I think Valentine’s Day could be made special without giving into the commercialization of it all.

– Faith

No Valentine’s Day? Yep, No Valentine’s Day

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

I remember the first time that I told Faith that I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. The look on her face was a combination of shock, disbelief and wonder. She said “Okay…”, but the tone in her voice was like “What do you mean ‘You don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day?’” All the things that I had done for her in the months leading up to Valentine’s Day had her overwhelmed with tokens of love and lots and lots of flowers. Of all the days to give flowers, why not give them on Valentine’s Day? The explanation was simple and yet profound: why wait until two or three days (four if you are married) a year to show someone how much you love them?

One of the things that I learned early on in life was that time is short and fleeting and no one knows when it is time to meet the Master. The event that made me take this stand was the death of my father. He was scheduled to come home from the hospital on a Sunday and had a massive heart attack on the Friday before his discharge date. I was so looking forward to spending time with him again as unlike now where children have more liberty to visit their parents in the hospital, at that time, it was very restrictive in both times of day and the amount of time that could be spent. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him and ask him about when he got home, and I never got the opportunity to say them. I never got the opportunity to tell him that I missed him and loved him. In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, he was gone. I vowed I would never have that feeling of not letting someone I loved to know how much I loved them and would not wait until a few days of the year to express it.

To this end, I explained to Faith that I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. I celebrate my love for her each and every day. Why wait when I can show her that I care for her, I adore her and I love her for who she is? Anyone can get flowers, cards or candy for a few days when everyone is expecting it. But, if you get the flowers, cards, candy or make a meal that she loves without asking, it means exponentially more because it comes from the heart rather than from the world. To have the love of your life look with amazement and adoration (as well as her co-workers) when something shows up when she least expects it is priceless. I enjoy letting people know that I love my wife, but I love even more when I do something that shows the world that she is my queen and she shows it in her smile.

One of the things that I enjoy is her smile. I don’t smile a lot, but Faith smiles enough for the two of us. I don’t ever want that smile to go away, so I do what I need to do to make sure that it remains on her face. From little things such as picking up a new lunch bag so that she can stay on track with her program to making sure there is gas in the tank when she runs it down, these are just some things that I do to make sure that she keeps a smile on her face. As the Rude Boys sang “It’s written all over your face, you don’t have to say a word” I want that smile to always say “Terry loves me.” Thus, this is the reason I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Every day is Valentine’s Day for the one that I love.

– Terry

Post script: So, many have asked “Did you do anything special for Valentine’s Day this year?” Well, the answer is yes and no. Let me explain: the plan (as always) is to do what I am going to do before the day arrives. Well, thanks to delays in delivery, what I ordered didn’t arrive until Valentine’s Day. So, in essence I didn’t and I did do something special for Valentine’s Day. But for me, every day is a day to celebrate my love for my queen.

-Terry

2017: Wow, what a year! What a Mighty God we serve!

I had no idea how much I desired to be loved in return. I love hard. I commit. I give it my all. In the past, my opinion was that I was the only one fighting for “love.” I thought “love” was a lot of work to go along with a lot of heartache. But what I’ve since discovered was that it wasn’t love that was hard, it was loving without being loved in return.

2017 When Somebody Loves You Back

Faith’s Thoughts:

Teddy Pendergrass once sang a song called “When Somebody Loves You Back.” One of the verses says:

“It’s so good lovin’ somebody
And that somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires”

I had no idea how much I desired to be loved in return. I love hard. I commit. I give it my all. In the past, my opinion was that I was the only one fighting for “love.” I thought “love” was a lot of work to go along with a lot of heartache. But what I’ve since discovered was that it wasn’t love that was hard, it was loving without being loved in return.

Having this 2nd time around with Terry has been me experiencing love in a whole new way. A way that I had never seen up close and personal. A way that I never even knew existed. 2017 was a year of newness for me. I saw love take many different forms. I saw it play the background and be my silent strength. I saw love be nurturing and kind. I saw love be protective and responsible. I saw love deny itself. So new, so refreshing, and so very well worth the wait.

2017 has taught me some things about myself as well. I can’t just mask my feelings and retreat to my own space as a married woman. I am forced to deal with things because I can’t hide them from a man who loves me, nor do I want to. I am learning to lean on my partnership and allow myself to be healed instead of suppressing the way I feel.

2017 has been a year of kept promises for me. On so many occasions, I found myself in awe of something I was experiencing as it was the manifestation of a prayer I had made at some point in my life. 2017 has reminded me God is faithful! He really does hear our prayers and even if we give up on the possibility, all we need is the right yes to the right situation to make all things possible.  2017 has assured me that God’s promises don’t expire. 2017 has inspired me to shoot for the stars and not be afraid to reach them.

2017 has taught me that love is a powerful thing. God’s love for us is far greater than we could ever imagine or think!  But just as Teddy Pendergrass’s song eludes, love is so much more powerful when it’s reciprocated by both parties.  I believe God loves us and longs to be loved in return. What happens as a byproduct is greater than we could ever imagine or think.

2017 was not without challenges, but love conquered them all. The theme of our wedding was 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: (NIV):

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.

I had this verse printed out and on display in my work area to remind me. I also prayed those verses over Terry daily.  I prayed. “Lord, help me be patient with Terry and kind to him. I pray I am not envious and not boastful or proud” and so on. I prayed every verse. These verses lined the aisle at our wedding ceremony and they are hidden in my heart. This second time around, I want to constantly check my motives and govern my actions around love. As I work to better myself in 2018 and become the woman who God has called me to be, I keep in mind that my current self and better self are both wife to a wonderful man who loves me. I pray that my actions always reflect how I love him back.

-Faith

Wow, what a year!  What a Mighty God we serve!

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

Wow, what a year!  2017 has been one of the most exciting and challenging years that I have had in a long time.  From promotion on the job to getting married and blending a family to all the experiences that have gone one throughout the year, this has been one for the ages.  The year started with us planning a “small” wedding.  Faith didn’t have a wedding and we decided that it would be nice to have a “small” wedding to display our love and devotion to each other.  Throughout everything that we went through to pull it together, it was a success and off we go into the future as husband and wife.

Prior to getting married, I was promoted on my job.  I had interviewed several times earlier the year before for promotions, but I was finally successful on the first one of 2017.  Three weeks after receiving the promotion, I took my vacation and got married.  When I returned, I came back refreshed and a married man with 3 children.  Was it a shock for my co-workers and superiors? But of course!  Did they understand my decision to keep my personal life to myself? Yes, they did, but did say that they fully supported my decision and understood why.

Many of the changes that have occurred this year have been life affirming.  From my desire to marry the woman that God placed into my life, to the new experiences of having a different set of in-laws, children and nephews.  Many times, people wonder why things happen the way that they do, but when they look back on all the things that have occurred, most of the time things work out for the better.

From hurricanes to internal storms to external pressure, one must trust that the Master Chess Master is making moves further ahead than we could ever understand and depend on Him to position us to receive the things that He has in store for us.  After 2016, I knew that He had great and wonderful things in store for me, but did not expect them to materialize they way that they have in the fashion that they have. Sometimes, what appears to be a tragic situation becomes an opportunity for God to be God and move in ways that we thought would never occur.  I have a new view and understanding of my relationship with my Father and understand even better what He will do for me and my household as we continue to do His will.

2017 has been an exciting adventure for the two of us, but it has been a learning experience for me in understanding how blessed I am to have Faith, Momma Liz, the kids and everyone else who became part of our clan.  Bryant means “strong in the Lord.”  For so long, I have had to trust and depend on that strength to make it through.  It is a beautiful thing to begin to see the fruits of my faith and devotion to the things that He deemed important, manifest themselves in my life.  If there is anything that I can leave as advice for 2018 from what I learned from 2017 would be this: Don’t lose faith and continue to focus on the things that He has placed in your life to complete.  The moves that have been made in the past are beginning to manifest themselves.  Just as a seed takes time to break through the ground, grow and develop before being able to be harvested, it takes time for the moves to manifest themselves for you to receive the harvest from your faith.  A mature tree does not grow overnight.

In closing, continue to be strong and of a very good courage.  As you choose each day whom you will serve, the Bryant clan will continue to serve the Lord and be vessels for His purpose.

-Terry

 

The Blending, Part 3: The Children

One of the things that I was aware of with all the children, but especially Princess,was that they needed to see that I not only loved and cared for their mother, but openly demonstrated this love and compassion despite what others may think or say.  It was during this time that I decided to show the “princess” how the “queen” would and should be treated.

The Blending, Part 3: The Children

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

Many people asked me when Faith and I were dating “Well, what about her children?”  My response was “What about them?”  The line of questioning was not one of concern about how we would blend the families together, but rather was it negative questioning if I wanted the children to be in our lives together.  This would irritate me to no end, but I would patiently explain to them that the children would be an integral part of our family.  Having never fathered children of my own and was in the process of adopting 2 girls when Mia passed, the idea of having an expanded family was very exciting and intriguing all at the same time. There were several things that I had to consider when contemplating and praying on how we should proceed in the process of blending:

  1. The children were not “kids.” Davion and Nicholas were both in college and Faith (aka Princess) was a sophomore in high school.  They understood what our relationship could possibly mean to their relationship with their mother.
  2. Their father was an integral part of the co-parenting relationship that Faith had established. I never wanted to be a “replacement” father figure for them, rather an additional resource with a different point of view since I was older than both of their parents.
  3. They had already had relationships with other step-parents, but I was going to be the first step-father that they would have. It was very important that they understood that I had expectations from them to be respectful of me and my household, just as I was respectful of them and their familiar relationships.

The “Boys”

As I previously stated, Davion and Nicholas weren’t ‘kids’, rather young men that had been reared primarily with Faith as the main guide in their lives.  She did a remarkable job in making sure that they did not take things or people for granted as well as understanding what and how a young man should treat their significant other.  I had met the boys a few years earlier at a small group function when they were helping Faith clean up after the event.  They were very respectful and well mannered (which was to be expected considering who their mother is.)  The next time I had any substantial interaction with them was December 2015 when I was asked to “volunteer” to be one of the three wise men at the church.  Nicholas was “voluntold” to be a wise man and he took it all in stride.  It was his senior year in high school and he was preparing to play football.  Davion, on the other hand, had traveled from Jacksonville to help aid and was fashionably late to avoid being a wise man (thus I was “volunteered”.)  While trying to change into costumes that were NOT made for people over 250lbs and/or over 6’ in height, Nicholas and I struck up a conversation on what his future plans would be.  After our “performance”, Davion joined us, and he and I talked about his future plans after he graduated from college.  I found both to be very engaging and conscious of their place in the world.

After Faith and I started dating each other, Davion was the first of the children that I would begin to develop a relationship with.  As he was the oldest and had a more mature view of how the relationship his mother and I were developing, Davion was supportive and was intrigued at the idea of having a stepfather.  I was extremely impressed at his view of the world and how dedicated he was that he and his siblings would ensure that their mother would be happy and safe.  In many ways, he reminded me of myself and my mother when it came to make sure that my mother’s heart would be safe.  Over time, we would gradually learn to appreciate the differences and experiences that each other had and would grow to respect one another.

Nicholas, on the other hand, is not only the youngest of the boys, but he is also the middle child.  It doesn’t help that he is also the largest physically (both in stature and girth) of all the children.  Yet, considering that he plays football, he is not your stereotypical jock.  Nicholas was very observant and respectful.  He understood that Faith and I were in a relationship, but the idea that “Mom” was about to get married was something completely different.  I reminded him of our meeting in 2015 as the three wise men and the conversation we had that day.  Fortunately, he remembered the conversation and it help allay some of the apprehension that he (and I) had when we became reacquainted with each other.  He was just entering his freshman year in college and was transitioning from being a high school student to an independent young man.  The thought of another male entering the family dynamic was not something that was on his radar.  I understood that there could be challenges, but I was prepared to do whatever was needed to ensure that Nicholas would understand that he isn’t losing his mother, but gaining a new family that would be there to support him as he continued to transition into adulthood.

“Princess”

While I was able to develop a relationship with Davion and Nicholas due to their proximity to Faith and me (they were both in school in Jacksonville), there was one member that was going to be difficult to establish a consistent rapport with: the youngest and only girl of the group Faith (aka “Princess.”)  Princess was living with her father in Atlanta and Faith would have her during the holidays.  Since Faith and I were seeing each other, and Faith would have Princess during the holidays, we decided to make a trip to Atlanta to help with the transition prior to the holidays.  Faith had begun preparing Princess for the meeting/introduction the weeks leading up to our visit. One of the things that I was aware of with all the children, but especially Princess, was that they needed to see that I not only loved and cared for their mother, but openly demonstrated this love and compassion despite what others may think or say.  It was during this time that I decided to show the “princess” how the “queen” would and should be treated.

During our time together during the holidays, I would demonstrate how a gentleman should treat a lady and made certain that she waited until I came around to open the door for her just as I did with her mother.  There are times when words are good, but actions are better.  By demonstrating the actions and beliefs that I have regarding how a lady should be treated, I began to lay the ground work to help Princess understand not only how her mother would be treated, but what she should expect in a young man who attempted to show his affections.

It was during this first trip as well as subsequent trips for Thanksgiving and Christmas that year that I was able to begin to forge a growing relationship with her and the boys.  Realistically, I knew that my work was just the beginning of a journey rather than the end.  As 2017 came and Princess’ 16th birthday party came closer, I chose a path that some people may have found unusual: I stepped back.  Faith and her ex-husband jointly brought her from a young girl to a young lady.  Some people would have taken this opportunity to show that they were the one who needed to be in charge.  Sometimes, stepping back and allowing the spotlight to shine on someone else can show how confident you are.  By stepping back during the planning and providing support and feedback when necessary, I was able to show all three children that I was not threatened by their relationship with their father and was not going to demand to be included in everything just because I was dating their mother.

In the end, my relationship with each of the children is one that continues to grow and evolve at different rates.  Yet, I am hopeful that in the long term, they will understand that I do love and care for them and their welfare.  Not because I am married to their mother, but rather because they are now a part of something larger: being a Bryant.  Whether its via blood or marriage, being a Bryant is something of significance.  Bryant means “strong in the Lord.”  It is my desire that they have a relationship with Christ that they understand that they are strong in the Lord and that no weapon that is formed against them will prosper.  This does not diminish who they are.   Just as we are adopted into God’s family through our relationship with Jesus, I pray that they understand the power and authority they have within themselves and be an example of how being a Bryant can better prepare them for what the world will try to challenge them each day.  By being ‘Bryant’, prayerfully they will implement the things that have been placed into their spirits since childhood and use them as weapons of warfare as adults.  Thus, our children have Faith to be Strong in the Lord.

– Terry

 

Faith’s Thoughts:

I hadn’t dated in 7 years when I changed my Facebook status to “In a Relationship.”  I didn’t date because I was so scared of giving my heart to anyone. I was even more scared of the possibility of yielding parental control to a man who wasn’t my kids’ father. I thought the most practical thing to do was just not date. Once my sons reached a certain age, I thought it would be too difficult for them to adjust to a new male authority figure in the home. That wasn’t my ‘professional opinion’, just my own personal fears. Once my daughter reached a certain age, I was too protective of her to even consider having a man in the house. I already had trust issues and I had heard so many horror stories about people entering into their child(ren)’s lives. That was all the motivation I needed to focus totally on the kids and give love a chance after they left the house.

When Nick (my middle child) graduated high school, I had initially anticipated it being myself and my daughter Princess. She was entering the 10th grade and I figured I hadn’t dated for 7 years, 3 more wouldn’t be hard at all. Princess (my nickname for my daughter), decided that she wanted to finish her high school career in Georgia with her dad. So, I ended up with an empty nest a little earlier than expected. She’s was still a minor, so technically I didn’t have an empty nest, but for the first time in 22 years, I would not have a child in the home to distract me from that “scary” thing called dating.  I realized early into our relationship that Terry wasn’t the bachelor type.  He wasn’t looking to play the field and I wasn’t necessarily stalling anymore. Now, my concern shifted to, “how will I tell the kids” that I was in love.  Terry and I prayed every night that the kids would be accepting.

My oldest son, Davion, was one of the first people I told that I was in love and considering marriage. I was a little scared that he would be skeptical. He was instead very excited. He had this huge sigh of relief. He said, “Oh my goodness mom, I’m so happy for you! I was afraid that I would have to take care of you forever.”  Davion was happy because Terry relieved him of his “responsibility” to “take care of me”.  I don’t know where he got the notion that I needed him to take care of me. I was a little insulted about that, but more relieved that he was supportive.  I was expecting this long conversation with lots of explaining to do, but it was nothing like I expected.  At that point, Davion was in his junior year of college, he had lived on his own since high school and payed his own bills. He didn’t see my marriage as having a huge impact on him or maybe he did and he welcomed the impact of a good man in his mom’s life.

My middle child, Nick, was also happy for me.  Both the boys trusted my judgement and knew that I wouldn’t be contemplating marrying a “scrub”.  All my children are very well-loved, but Nick has had more undivided attention than anyone else.  Nick’s last 2 years at home was just him and me. He probably won’t admit this, but I think he became a little attached (some say spoiled) during that time. I think in his mind; 1) Terry would be my husband,2) he would be my baby boy, and 3) Terry would be a non-factor in his life.  Nick was more standoffish with Terry. He was respectful, but watchful.  He was 18 and living in the dorm at school. He went to school for one semester and came home on Thanksgiving break to his mom talking about marriage.  It was a big transition.  When I told him, he smiled and gave me a hug. “I’m happy for you mom”, he said.  He meant it, although I don’t think he really considered the implications. 2 kids down, 1 to go.

You would think that the boys would be harder on their mom’s suitor, but Princess was a little more skeptical than the boys.  Maybe not skeptical, but she, more than the boys, recognized that my marriage affected them even though they weren’t living at home. Princess was living with her dad in another state, but I traveled to see her every time that I had an opportunity. Terry and I went to see her, so she could meet him.  She said she was happy for me, but sad for herself.  She was sad because she realized that things would be different when she came home. She was nervous about how my relationship with Terry would affect her relationship with me.  Princess could not remember seeing me date. As far as she could remember, it was just them and I.  I didn’t want anyone sad, especially not my “Pretty Princess Girl.”  The boys were in Jacksonville, which was only an hour away from home.  Terry and I could spend more time with the boys than with Princess.  When she was with us, however, she could see how well he treated me and her.  I remember her saying, “I can tell you are happy, so I’m happy for you.”

I considered all three of the children in every aspect of my decision.  I always told single moms that when considering a mate: 1) choose someone who you would be proud of your son(s) becoming like; 2) you would be proud of your daughter(s) marrying someone like him and 3) model a relationship that you would be proud of your children emulating.  Terry fit the bill in every aspect.  I was a little ignorant about what marrying Terry would mean for the family dynamic.  I had fantasized in my mind that waiting until the kids were out of the house meant we would not have issues with family blending.  It was just a fantasy.  Now I believe it’s not just a matter of where the kids lived, but a matter of if they were ready. Even then, there were still issues to be dealt with.  You can’t prevent issues.  I was reminded recently that trust is built from dealing with issues.  The key is to marry someone who will be mature and loving through issues. Someone confident enough to know their role and not be intimidated by the kids’ role.  I always said, “the man I would marry had to be both strong and gentle.”  A man that’s strong and secure in who he is, but gentle in the way he leads.  That’s my husband.  His strong, yet gentle way was one of the indicators that he was the one for me.

– Faith

Giving Thanks and Thank You

I learned to love me. I had the opportunity to face solitude. I had the absolute pleasure of depending solely on God as my provider and learning the value of community.

Faith’s Thoughts:

Thankful-(adjective)-pleased and relieved

Synonyms: grateful, appreciative, filled with gratitude, relieved

I’m thankful for so many things.  I got divorced in March of 2000. I got remarried in March of 2017. I’m thankful for 17 years of singleness. Why? Because I had the opportunity to learn about me. I learned to love me. I had the opportunity to face solitude. I had the absolute pleasure of depending solely on God as my provider and learning the value of community.

I’m thankful that the 3 most wonderful children in the world call me mom! Davion is scheduled to graduate from The University of North Florida in 2 weeks!!! He works 2 jobs and volunteers. Nicholas is in his second year of college. He’s been blessed to continue to play the game he loves and pay for college in the process. Faith De’Yanah (Princess) is in the 11th grade. She gets excellent grades, participates in extra-circular activities and works part-time. I’m so thankful to be their mom!

I’m thankful for my husband Terry. I get to wake up next to my best friend. Morning breath doesn’t scare him off. Head scarfs don’t either. He doesn’t even flinch when I cry over something simple, or spaz over something trivial. He says, “you’re beautiful” when I’m bloated and “I’m proud of you” when I lose weight. When I have a problem, he goes into fix it mode and when I’m stressed he reminds me that we’re partners in this. Marriage is cool. Being a newlywed is fun.

I’m thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I’m thankful for the gift of prayer. The opportunity to cast my cares onto God and leave them there. I’m thankful for God’s guidance in my life. I am SO thankful that every step I made in faith landed on the sure foundation of the hand of God. Even when I felt like I was sinking, I never went under. I’m thankful for every season of my life, even the hard seasons, because they make me really appreciate this season.

– Faith

 

Terry’s Thoughts:

This time last year, Faith and I were embarked on a journey to let those whom we loved and cared for know that we had found someone that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.  I am thankful that during this period, Faith and I never gave up hope that we would be together.  Now, over a year later, we are husband and wife.  She is my queen and I am her king.  I am thankful for my relationship with God. I trusted Him to send me someone who understands what I needed in a helpmate and He has given me the tools to be the husband and support that she needed.  I am thankful for the all members of my family, either through blood or marriage.  For a kid from NY who was transplanted in SC, I am thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me to be a positive influence on the lives of others.  I am thankful to have people in my life who have shared with me their wisdom and understanding from their life experiences to help me understand the adjustments that I need to make in my life to be a better husband, father, son and most importantly man of God.

To all that have been sharing our life experiences with us the past few weeks, I am thankful to you to allow us into your life and share who we are and what we have endured.  This is just the beginning of our journey, but our path to reach this point hopefully can help others realize that their can be true love…the second time around.

-Terry

The Blending, Part 2 – Meet the Parents

My dad on the other hand had been trying to marry me off for years. Every time I saw him in person, I knew my dad was going to ask me, “Have you ever thought about giving love a second chance?”

Faith’s Thoughts:

By the time Terry and I met each other’s parents, we were telling them we wanted to get married. We received mixed reactions from the parents:

• One parent said we should wait a year so that people would be more accepting.
• One parent was ecstatic and ready to “put the broom down” for us to jump right away.
• One parent was extremely cautious and protective.

Terry took me to South Carolina to meet his mother. He didn’t tell her that I was coming. He didn’t even tell her that he was coming until we pulled into the driveway. That was nerve wrecking. As a mother of grown men, I can imagine what she was thinking meeting this woman she had never heard of as her (recently) widowed son told her that he wanted to marry her. It was awkward, but she was kind. Terry’s Godmother was more direct. She was probably asking the questions that she and his mom had discussed; but she was the spokesperson for the mother/Godmother duo. Terry’s Godmother said, “Don’t get married for the sex.” LOL. Sounds like something I would say to my son. I love talking to older ladies; they don’t have time to beat around the bush. She didn’t ask me this directly, but privately, she wanted Terry to assure her that he had remained faithful to Mia and I wasn’t his “side piece”. I don’t mind direct questions. It was however uncomfortable feeling like I was getting the “side eye” from people.

Terry’s family and friends didn’t know me. They were protective of him. I was a single mom with 3 children. Terry was an honest, kind, giving widower 8 years my senior. So, without knowing anything about me or who I am, I can see why people were protective. I just wasn’t accustomed to being scrutinized. I remember a moment when we were out to eat, Terry left the table and his mom asked me how I felt about him. I responded with, “He’s nice, he’s a great man, he’s sweet”. I don’t know why, but I was nervous. The rest of dinner, I kept admonishing myself for not saying how I really felt for Terry. It wasn’t until we were getting ready to leave to travel back to Florida that I set the record straight. I pulled her to the side and said, you asked me how I felt about Terry and the truth is, “I love him.” She smiled and gave me a hug. She said, “That’s what I wanted to hear.”

As I stated in a previous post, Terry and I were (well) aware of how grown we were. I had “grown woman” responsibilities which included supporting two grown children through college. Terry had “grown man” college debt from putting himself through college. We didn’t NEED anyone’s approval but there were some people whose support was vital to me. My mom was one of those people. My mom has loved me through every stage of my life. Even stages that were hurtful and embarrassing for her. She didn’t waiver in her love for me or faith in my future. When I gave birth to my first child at 15 years old, she lovingly and patiently helped equip me to be Davion’s mom. When I got pregnant with my second child at 18, she helped prepare me to be a mother of 2. When I got married and almost immediately started having marital problems, she coached and prayed me through that season. When I found myself divorced and pregnant with my baby girl, she loved and prayed me through a very dark season. I knew that she (more than anyone else in this world) had my (and her grandchildren’s) best interest at heart. She wasn’t afraid to tell me the truth and I knew she would see anything I may have missed. When I told her that I thought Terry was ‘the one’ she said, “We’ll see”.

My dad on the other hand had been trying to marry me off for years. Every time I saw him in person, I knew my dad was going to ask me, “Have you ever thought about giving love a second chance?” Every time! My dad is a man of repetition. He has a lot of crazy sayings that he repeats. To know my dad is to know what he’s about to say. I knew my dad would love Terry. I knew because Terry loved me. The moment my dad saw how Terry treated me, I knew he’d be a fan. Plus, my dad knows me. He knows that I was independent and extremely protective over my heart. He saw a good man with good intentions and he was ecstatic for me. I needed that! I needed to have someone as excited as I was. He doesn’t know it, but I would call him when I felt (particularly) beat up and his enthusiasm about Terry and me would calm me. My dad is the best cheerleader ever! I love that man.

Although I cared very much about how my parents felt. My parents have known me long enough to know that once I set my mind to do something; they might as well figure out a way to support it. Terry has a similar tenacity. May we both always set our minds to do the same-something. I had set my mind to marry Terry, so having Ms. Liz, Terry’s mom, and my parents’ support was a wonderful blessing and an answer to our prayers.
– Faith

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

My introduction to Faith’s parents was a combination of “Meet the Browns” and “Criminal Minds.”  Faith was the first person that I ever dated whose parents were divorced, but were still cordial with each other.  In my family, most of the marriages ended “‘til death do you part” and most of the people that I dated when I was single either had intact households or one parent was completely out of the picture. This was unfamiliar territory for me as I couldn’t relate to the dynamic that she and her siblings lived with regarding their parents’ relationship.  I could try relating, but I would ask questions of her about how her parents would possibly react to me once they met me.  I was always taught to “Be Prepared” (yes, I was a Boy Scout) and “prepare for the worst and expect the best.”  When dealing with parents, one must not be too over confident or be too passive.  One must be balanced.

Yardman Ned

Faith is from Broward County, FL and everyone I met that was from there would tell me “I’ll cut you if you hurt her” or some variation of this phrase.  Initially, I would just laugh it off, but after a while, the “2-5/NY” in me started to come out and my responses would be a retort that would be along the lines of “yeah, but my knife is bigger” or “I would hate to use the red dot.”  Most people would smile and laugh at my response as they began to recognize, I was not a wimp and won’t back down to a challenge.  But there was one person who decided to test me in his own unique way: Yardman Ned.

Faith would refer to her father from time to time as Yardman Ned.  This is because he owned a lawncare business and had very catchy slogans that he would use to gain the attention of potential clients.  The first time I met him, he and his wife came to Palm Coast to travel with us to Jacksonville to see Nicholas play in a football game. (Nicholas is the middle child.  More on him in another post.)  I was cautioned that he was a big practical joker and amateur comedian along the lines of Mr. Brown.  Boy, did she hit the nail on the head with that description.  The FIRST thing he says to me when he pulled up into my yard after getting out of his car was “Well, I got a knife that I hope I don’t have to use.  Nice to meet you.”  Game on.  My response was classic Terry “Nice to meet you, but my knives are bigger, and I have red dots.”  That invoked a smile on his face as he knew I wasn’t afraid of him and the moment was not too big for me or him.  Dominant Male Territory Marking 401 in progress.

As we traveled together, we talked about several topics.  As a Dolphins fan, he had to recognize that I was NOT going to change allegiance from the Steelers.  If anything, I was trying to get him to come to the right side.  As the day progressed, we continued to talk about additional topics that ranged from faith and biblical studies to deer and other wildlife in Palm Coast.  I recognized that he was trying to see what type of person I was.  Yet, when he wasn’t talking (which wasn’t that often), he was observing.  He was watching the interactions between myself and Faith and how we treated each other and cared for each other.

After the game, we went to eat dinner and hung out in Jacksonville until it was time to return to Palm Coast.  On the trip back, we continued to talk and establish a report with each that was growing deeper and deeper with respect by the minute.  It was during this time that I informed him that I was going to ask his daughter for her hand in marriage and wanted to get his blessing.  To my (pleasant) surprise, he gave me his blessing without hesitation and told me that he could tell that we were happy together and he believed that we would be great with each other.  Whew.  Stereotypically, fathers are extremely difficult and guarded about their daughter’s heart.  I said to myself “This was easy.  Her mom should be easy.”  Boy, was I wrong.

Ms. Mae

The month of November was the month that we had planned on meeting her parents and my mom and godmother.  After meeting “Yardman Ned”, my confidence was through the roof.  I knew how to prep Faith for the meeting with my mother and godmother, but I was going to meet Faith’s mom (and half of her family) on Thanksgiving Day.  Me, Faith and the kids all piled together in the Avalanche and off to Tampa we went.  I was forewarned about the various aunts, uncles and cousins that would be there and the intense “interrogations” that I would be subjected to during the course of the day.  Bring it on!  I was confident and ready for anything.  Yet, I was not prepared for the tactics of Ms. Mae.

Faith introduced me to everyone in her aunt and uncle’s house and eventually introduced me to her mother, Ms. Mae.  She smiled and was polite, but I noticed she kept her distance.  I recognized that look before: she was observing me.  For several hours, she would engage in small talk from time to time and then go back to talking with other family members.  Just like the behavioral analysts from ‘Criminal Minds’, I felt as those I was being observed by many people and they were going to eventually try to circle me and pounce.  I was ready and confident in who I was and true to my feelings about Faith.  Nothing could change that.  About 6-7 hours pass and the ‘interrogation’ that I had been forewarned about by Faith never came.  All I could think was “That was it?  This could be a set up.  What just happened (or didn’t)?”  Ah, the psychological game was just entering the second phase.  Phase one was complete.  I was completely off guard and didn’t have the slightest idea where the questioning would come from or when.

Eventually, Ms. Mae grabbed me by my hand and led me to the backyard to talk.  She was polite and direct all at the same time.  I was ready for any question with an answer from my heart.  She expressed her concern about the speed that our relationship was going.  I understood and respected that she didn’t beat around the bush and was very direct in both her statements and questions.  She asked me my intentions concerning Faith.  As I told her father, my intensions were to make her my wife, when the time was right.  She politely let me plead my case and said nothing and revealed nothing either verbally or via facial expressions.  Just like an interrogator, she didn’t let her emotions or thoughts be revealed.  I was not ready for that in this setting, yet I respected her for it.

When we finished talking, I asked her about her thoughts.  She said, “I’m still deciding.”  I thought I plead my case and defended myself very well and knew within my heart of hearts that I had won her over.  Whether or not I did or did not, she was not prepared to tell me.  It had been a long time since I had to defend myself, my emotions and my intensions to a mother.  This was NOT going to be the slam dunk that I had with her father.  This one was going to take some time.  The rest of the evening, we had limited contact with each other until time for us to leave.  I didn’t know what to think and asked Faith if her mother had given her an insight on what her thoughts were.  Faith did try to get the 411 from her, but just like she told me, she was still “deciding.”

I would later find out that Ms. Mae came from a long line of praying women in their family.  This is where Faith got her dedication to prayer.  She wasn’t holding out on me, she was going to pray about it and get her “decision” from the Ultimate Interrogator.  It would be through prayer that she would determine whether or not she could trust that my words and my actions would truly withstand the winds of change and time or was I just “talking the talk.” All I could do was continue to be myself and allow my Advocate, the Holy Spirit, to speak to her on my behalf.  It would be several days later that I would receive word from Faith that I was accepted, but she was still watching and praying.  I wouldn’t have expected any different.

Mom and Godmomma

Between meeting Faith’s father and mother, we took a trip to visit my mother and godmother.  I don’t call my mother “mother”, I call her either “ma” or “mom.”  I didn’t clue my mom into the fact that we were coming as it was a surprise. The one thing that my mom likes to do when I come into town is let everyone know I’m coming.  Even when I am coming to spend time just with her, she wants everyone to know I was coming.  This was one trip where discretion was definitely needed.  Mom knew I was seeing Faith, but didn’t know how serious we were with our relationship.  She knew from my history, I only brought those whom I considered to be “potential marriage material” to the house to meet her after I had been dating.  I called her from the driveway and told her to come to the front door.  She was doubly surprised: 1) I snuck up on her and 2) I had Faith with me.  She did NOT see this coming.  I introduced her to Faith and told her to get her clothes on because we were going out to dinner.

We went to the restaurant and ate.  Faith and mom talked when I was away (we went to a buffet).  While Faith was away, I asked her what was her thoughts.  She thought Faith was nice and she asked me was I going to marry her (told you she knew my M.O.). I told her yes, it was my intention to marry Faith.  She was concerned that I was getting married “on the rebound.”  It was during this time that I revealed just how long Mia had been sick and what I had been through.  As my father was sick the majority of my life and understood the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” she understood what I had been through.  I had put my future life in God’s hand and trusted that He would lead me to the right person.  My mom respected my decision, but asked that I keep it quiet for a little while longer.  I told her that we had decided to wait until late December or early January to announce that we were going to get married.  Then she asked if I was going to see my godmother.  Of course, I was.

My godparents were the people that I could always go to in order to get a non-biased opinion on ANYTHING.  After my godfather passed, my godmother was still there to give me the straightest and non-biased answer or opinion. She was a God-fearing woman for as long as I can remember and if I ever needed a prayer and expected to hear from God concerning a subject, she was my number one go to prayer warrior.  So, on our way back to Florida, we stopped to see her.  She knew we were coming as my mom had let her know I was here with “this woman named Faith.”  It was time for the final spiritual check of Faith.  I knew what I heard from God, but I also knew that if there was something that was affecting my spiritual hearing about the timing of this relationship, she would hear it.

When we arrived, I introduced her to Faith and we sat down to talk.  I told my godmomma how we met and how our relationship grew so quickly.  She listened to me and she gave us some advice: “Don’t get married for the sex.  It’s not worth it.  As long as you are hearing from God and want to be with each other for more than sex, then you will have a long and happy marriage.”  Wow, I had heard many things from my godmomma, but never had she talked to me about sex.  That was my godfather’s domain.  Since he wasn’t around, she wanted us to know that no great relationship should be built on the premise of getting married in order to have sex so as not to be in spiritual condemnation.  We let her know that sex was not the reason that we were wanting to get married, but rather that we had been praying and our hearts and spirits were connected to one another.  She was happy to hear that and gave us her blessing.  I thought it was over, but there was a surprise waiting for me a few weeks later.

Two weeks later, I got a message on my answering machine (yes, I have an answering machine and a house phone) to call my godmomma when I got home.  When I got the message, I called her immediately as my godmomma doesn’t call long distance as she doesn’t have unlimited long distance (yes, she’s that old school) so I knew for her to call and leave a message, it was important.  When I called her, she asked me one very simple and direct question: “Were you two seeing each other when Mia was alive?”  I knew this question was going to come from someone, but from my godmomma? I was not expecting it from her.  I told her very quickly that no, we were not in a relationship with each other before Mia passed.  My godmomma always knew when I was telling the truth or lying even when my mother couldn’t tell when I was a child just by the sound of my voice.  When she heard me say “no”, she said “I didn’t believe that you two were together before, but I needed to put my soul and mind to rest and I wanted to ask that question.”  I respected her for asking that question as I also knew she was asking that question for my mom as well and would give her the good news.  Sometimes the hardest questions to ask are answered with the simplest answers when God puts things together.  This wasn’t a matter of whether or not I was telling the truth, rather it was a time to show the enemy that people don’t have to be tipping around and being on the ‘down low’ in order to be brought together.  It was a testament to the dedication to the vows that I had observed over 22 years before and to the vows that I would take a few months later

-Terry

The Blending, Part 1: Mamma Liz

In less than 10 years, she had lost both of her children and her husband of over 46 years.  There was no way I was going to back out of my promise now.

Terry’s Thoughts (T2)

So many people ask me why I still have my mother-in-law living with Faith and me.  First of all, she’s family.  Although we are related by marriage (Momma Liz is Mia’s mother), she is still my mother-in-law.  When I married Mia, I became part of her family and they became part of mine.  These people are still my family and I still consider them to be aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and they reciprocate the same feelings and sentiments.  My thought was that no matter who God sent, they were going to have to accept Momma Liz and me as a package deal.  Why? Well, I’ll tell you…I have a promise to keep.

Shortly after marrying Mia, I told my father-in-law that if anything were to happen to him, I would make sure that Momma Liz would be taken care of.  Yes, she had her children and two siblings, but I understood the responsibilities that were on the children (especially the first born) to care for their parents.  As an only child, I am well aware of the pressures and expectations that are placed on them.  As I was Mia’s husband, I wanted to make sure that her father didn’t have to worry about what would happen to his bride if something happened and he passed on.  When “Deac” (that’s what I called him as he was a deacon) was called home, I let her know that I would fulfill my promise to him.  A few years later, Momma had the first of several strokes that would leave her partially paralyzed on one side.  As I observed how it was becoming more and more difficult for her to function independently in rural Georgia, I told Mia it was time to bring Momma to live with us in Florida.  I had a promise to keep and now it was time to cash the check that my mouth wrote those years ago.

After asking her to leave her home and come live with us, Momma and I continued bonding as we had when I first started dating Mia.  I had made a commitment that I would not have the stereotypical bad relationship with my mother-in-law that you see some people have.  We started off with a good relationship and it became just like fine wine: better with time.  As time continued, our relationship continued to grow from just being a mother-in-law and son-in-law relationship, to one where she was a second mother and I was her other son.  This would be critical as in 2015, her son would receive his heavenly reward and a little over 14 months later, her daughter would receive hers as well.  In less than 10 years, she had lost both of her children and her husband of over 46 years.  There was no way I was going to back out of my promise now.

Shortly after Mia’s passing, we had several conversations.  She asked me directly was I going to put her into a nursing home or send her off to live with someone else.  I told her “No ma’am, I made a promise to Deac and Mia and I am going to fulfill that promise.”  She asked me several more times and told me that she didn’t want to get in the way as I was a single man and wasn’t married to Mia anymore.  I informed her of the promise that I made and the commitment that I made to her.  Just as Ruth made to her mother-in-law, I made the same commitment to her.  I said to her “Whomever God has for me is going to have to accept us a package deal.  You are my 70+ year old child.”  She and I laughed at the statement, but the feelings were real.  Just as a single mom would expect potential mate to accept her children as his own, whomever God would send into my life would have to face the same scrutiny, just by someone who had MANY more life experiences.

With this in mind, after Faith and I started dating, Momma asked me “Are you going to marry her?”  Wow!  Talk about being blunt and direct.  I said, “I hope so.”  Then, she asked me “Do you love her?”  Again, not expecting this line of questioning from her, my answer was short and simple: “Yes, but you aren’t going anywhere.  I told you we are a package deal.” I knew where she was going mentally and emotionally with her line of questioning and wanted to make sure that she knew I hadn’t changed my mind concerning my promise.

Several times while we were out, Faith and I would talk about the blending of the families.  I had already made it clear that Momma Liz and I were a package deal. Faith expressed that she would have been disappointed if I had changed my mind about the promise to Momma Liz and sent her away.  Just as she expected me to accept her children, she knew I expected her to accept my promise to my “other mother.”  Momma knew who Faith was, but it took time for her to really get to know and trust Faith as she had to learn and trust me over 22 years before.  Yet, she learned to appreciate the things that made Faith different and recognized her love and concern for her welfare.  This helped with the blending that was taking place in our home.  In a short period of time, Faith and Momma went from two strangers who only knew each other in passing to now Momma has a new daughter-in-law and “grandchildren.”  It is because of the love of God that Faith and I are together, and it is through this same love that we are a happy and peaceful household that is blending together nicely and Godly.  Only God.

-Terry

Faith’s Thoughts:

Terry explained to me early that he and Ms. Liz were a package deal.  Ms. Liz is Mia’s mother. She had come to live with Terry and Mia some years before.  Terry had committed to Ms. Liz’s husband on his death bed that he would take care of her.  Terry calls her momma. Ms. Liz refers to Terry as her son.  She trusts him as such.  Terry keeps up with Ms. Liz’s doctor’s appointments, he prepares her meals, he helps coordinate her care.  When Terry and I started dating, I would just observe.  He was so attentive.  I thought it was beautiful. Ms. Liz’s trust in Terry caused me to drop my guard a little bit.

With some of the criticism Terry and I received from people who knew Mia, I was particularly concerned about how her mom would receive me.  I would come visit Terry and Ms. Liz after work.  She was very polite to me.  She didn’t seem annoyed by my presence, but still I didn’t want to force myself on her.  I wanted to let things develop organically.

Terry and I prayed daily about the critical relationships in our lives.  We knew we loved each other.  We knew we wanted to be together, but we didn’t want to live in turmoil.  The acceptance of the people who would live under our roof was a huge factor. If Ms. Liz wasn’t accepting of Terry and I, things probably would have not moved as fast, but she is a woman of great faith.  She’s wise and seasoned.  She witnessed Terry care for her daughter, while also taking care of her.  She genuinely wanted happiness for him.  Because she was okay, I was okay.

Still we prayed. We prayed for Ms. Liz, we prayed about my parents, we prayed about Terry’s mom.  We prayed about the kids.  Yes, we are grown.  We didn’t have to have anyone’s approval to get married, but I loved him enough to not start our life with internal turmoil.  He and Ms. Liz had been through enough.  I wanted to bring joy and laughter into our home and not unnecessary drama.

– Faith

The Second Time Around…

Second time around for love?  Sounds like a song, doesn’t it?  Well, for us, life is better than a song, it is a lifestyle.

Terry’s Thoughts (T2)

Second time around for love? Sounds like a song, doesn’t it? Well, for us, life is better than a song, it is a lifestyle. Although each of our life’s journey to becoming husband and wife have been different, we have come together to experience something different from what we previously had. Does that mean that we should forget about our past? No. Does that mean that we should dwell in the past and wallow in self-misery and/or anger? Definitely not! What is does mean is that we can take the lessons from our past (both positive and negative) and create a relationship that can not only be wonderful and dynamic, but more than we ever expected or could have dreamed.

The desire behind starting our blog was to share our thoughts, feelings and observations about different topics as they relate to marriage and a blended family from both the husband and wife’s points of view. Many of our thoughts are influenced by our faith and life experiences and just our thoughts for comparison sakes. Many times, our thoughts are similar in nature, while others, we come from two different parts of the world just to end up in the same spot on the map.

It is my fervent desire is that our writings will help couples, from the newlywed that have been married for a few days or weeks up to the couple that have been married decades, recognize and realize that there is a benefit to understanding both similarities and differences in each other. As we continue to go further and further down this path together, I hope that we present to others a better understanding of what it takes to help make the second time around even better than the first time.

-Terry

Faith’s Thoughts…

For me, second time around is about experiencing the newness of this wonderful union while learning from the past.

Terry and I had two very different “first times”. He was married for years to a wonderful woman. She loved him so well that I can still feel the love in every detail of the house he and I now share. They were an inspiration to their friends and family; so, it dealt a devastating blow to many when she left this earth 1 month and 2 days after their 22nd wedding anniversary. My first time was about 3 years with two of those years being separated. He learned through experience and perseverance. I learned what not to do (again).

So, he’s a seasoned pro at this wonderful institution called marriage. I, on the other hand, still forget to sign cards as a couple or say “we” instead of “I”. I HAVE mastered the art of letting him know if I’ll be home later than expected, so there’s hope for me.

Terry’s hopes to change the world by…well, read what he wrote in his entry. I simply love to write. I want to “keep it real” and share some experiences with people. I know a lot of single women; great single women. Some are believing for a second time around; I hope they find hope in this love story that God wrote so well.

-Faith