Tag: Relationships

Marriage Counseling: How We Got to Look at Each Other Without the Rose-colored Glasses

I look forward to the day when we’ll look back at our “beautiful day” (the wedding) and say, “It’s also been a beautiful life as man and wife.”

Pre-Marital counseling

Faith’s Thoughts:

It was important for me that Terry and I go through premarital counseling. I’ve been a big advocate of counseling since my divorce. I was 21 with 2 kids and pregnant with my third child when my divorce was finalized. I was working full time and I didn’t have any friends whom I could confide it. I had friends and family, but I felt so ashamed that I didn’t want to share with them what was going on in my head. I tried to keep it all to myself. I tried to manage motherhood, pregnancy, divorce and a demanding job all by myself. I wasn’t managing any of it very well. Actually, I was cracking. I was horrible to work with and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t much better to live with. I worked with mostly men and I remember one telling me, “I’m not your ‘baby daddy’. You can’t keep taking this out on me.” That was harsh, but it helped me to realize that I wasn’t managing this situation.  It was getting worse and I needed help. I took advantage of my company’s EAP program and I was connected to a counselor. Those sessions of counseling were so impactful! Some of the tools I learned in those sessions, I still use 18 years later to help me manage tough situations. There have been other occasions throughout my life when counseling was very beneficial for my children and I. Whenever the situation called for a professional, I called a professional (no shame). Many people place a stigma on counseling, but I’m so thankful that I had it available to me and I didn’t have to try to figure out those tough seasons with (my) limited knowledge.

When Terry proposed to me, I let him know how important pre-marital counseling was to me and I was so thankful that he was willing to go. I didn’t know if Terry was just doing it because he knew it was important to me or because he knew Florida offers a discount on marriage licenses if the couple completes pre-marital counseling. At one point, I feared that Terry wouldn’t take pre-marital counseling seriously because he had a successful marriage for over 20 years. I thought that he would think he didn’t have anything to learn. I remember our first “spirited fellowship” came because of my fears. We had a homework assignment to do for our session and I felt that Terry was rushing through it. Instead of saying what I feared, I just got angry and shutdown. Thankfully we had homework to do for counseling, so we had to talk it out.

I remember when I sent the email to request the pre-marital counseling. I was nervous. I knew some people had reservations about if Terry could be ready to take such a big step so soon with me. I wasn’t sure what response I was going to get. I did not want to make a hasty decision. I recognized my need for wise counsel concerning the matter, but I really wanted to share my engagement news with someone who would gush with me instead of taking a deep breath and then sigh. Kim did not take a deep breath nor sigh. She was honest and insightful and helped me to be more at ease. She assured me that this process wasn’t to beat neither of us up about our decision but to help us to build on a solid foundation. Kim spoke about marriage with an excitement that I had either never heard before, or (always) ignored before. It was very refreshing and helped to ease me nerves about this role I was preparing to fill. WIFE!

I really enjoyed the format of our counseling. We started with a compatibility assessment. Our counselors went over our results. We were assigned a book/workbook to read, discus, and complete homework activities. Some of the activates included a family budget, holiday planning, family planning. The book challenged us to ask tough questions and discus tough issues. We were forced to spend some time out of our “love bubble” and talk about the issues which can cause division within marriages. The book we used had a section added to every chapter for those who were remarried. There are special challenges for those remarrying and our pre-marital counseling book encouraged us to create a plan for success for those challenges instead of hoping our “love bubble” was strong enough combat the inevitable. The pre-marital counseling tasked us to create a game plan for our life together. Some things that I had previously thought were small like “how much we’d spend on gifts for family and friends?”  I’ve learned that even things like the price of a gift for someone else could lead to big arguments if there are strong opinions on the matter. The pre-marital counseling encouraged us to talk about expectations about intimacy which can surely lead to discord if not addressed. Because I’m a divorcee with minor children, the book encouraged us to create a strategy for communicating with my ex-husband and what role both Terry and I would play as it relates to the kids’ needs. Those were things Terry and I had already discussed, but the pre-marital counseling challenged us to think about things which we had not previously considered. I learned that I still have much to learn. I learned that submission is not a prison of do’s and don’ts. Submission is a beautiful protective shield.

I am learning that a marriage relationship can help sharpen and mold both husband and wife into better versions of our previous selves. Pre-marital counseling helped me define my role and better understand Terry’s needs. Our pre-marital counseling was about 6 weeks long. We were in the midst of wedding planning, working and all sorts of other responsibilities, but counseling was a priority. Terry made it a priority. We would read and do our homework during our lunch break and discuss the chapters after work. We were choosing caterers and figuring out our household grocery budget. More than focusing on the wedding day, we focused on our impending marriage. The wedding day was beautiful! The memories will last a lifetime, but our lifetime will be made up of days, dilemmas, discussions, decisions, do’s and don’ts. Strategies we learned during pre-marital counseling and tips we pick up along the way will help us get to our goal of a lifetime of happiness.  I look forward to the day when we’ll look back at our “beautiful day” (the wedding) and say, “It’s also been a beautiful life as man and wife.”

-Faith

 

Marriage Counseling: How We Got to Look at Each Other Without the Rose-colored Glasses

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

Marriage counseling was something that I had already gone through once before and had a good idea of who I was and what type of husband I would be to Faith.  Because we had been so upfront with each other in the beginning, I had a very good idea of the type of person that she was and my expectations on what type of wife she would be for me.  We talked about EVERYTHING.  When I mean everything, I mean everything from finances to education, children, past relationships, etc.  Neither of us wanted to go into a relationship with any hidden agendas or secrets about their past and we did a good job talking about things that we thought needed to be addressed based on our previous relationships.

Although this was a good start for us to get an idea if we should move forward as rapidly as things were progressing or should we slow things down, we knew that marriage counseling was something that we needed to go through.  I have always looked at marriage counseling as an opportunity for an independent third party to look at the relationship that I was in and say “Hey, you two SEEM to be ok in your relationship, but have you thought about this and how it could affect it?”  I have always been open to evaluation (whether self or third party) and welcomed the opportunity to “show my stuff” to others of how great a husband I would be to Faith.  Part of me wanted to go in and say “See, I told you I am going to be a great and wonderful husband to Faith.  Now you can tell everyone I was right.”  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

I knew our counselors, John and Kim Freeman, from another wedding I was a part of a few year before.  They were very personable, and we got along very well from the beginning.  A few months after Mia passed, I saw them coming out of service and Kim said, “Don’t make any decisions for at least a year.”  Ha!  Too late!  Faith and I had already started getting to know one another and I knew that she was the one that God had placed in my path.  She was my “good thing.”  Faith had a relationship with them as well as set up the counseling sessions.  When we first met, they were very upfront with their initial reservations about my decision to move forward.  I respected them highly for making their reservations known upfront and even asking how we reached this point.  The one thing that I have not been afraid of is the truth.  If there is something that you want to know (that I don’t mind sharing and isn’t out of bounds), I don’t mind telling people about it in a one on one situation.  Many people make assumptions (you know what that can make of a person) rather than asking and the Freeman’s asked and they got the truth.

During our first few sessions and assignments, I said to myself “this is a breeze.”  I was wrong again.  We delved into some topics that Faith and I either didn’t think about or didn’t spend a lot of time talking about as we had already ‘thought’ we knew what our past mistakes were and had vowed not to make those same mistakes again.  Now, I know some people are reading that previous statement and are saying “but you said you had a good marriage prior to your wife passing?”  Yes, I did, but there are always things that you can look back on and say to yourself that if you had an opportunity to improve the marriage, you would either not do something or do something better.  If you think you are perfect, then you should be standing outside waiting for that heavenly chariot to come pick you up and take you onto Glory.  We had an opportunity to review our past relationships, our role in them and have in depth conversations about what was good, bad and ugly and our responsibility in creating that environment.

The guide/workbook that we had to read and the assignments that we had to complete were very thought provoking and made us both take a long hard look at ourselves and the future that we had planned on having with each other.  Although it did not discourage us as we had done a LOT of praying and talking to each other, I recognized that it was important for our relationship foundation be shaken now to see what falls off before taking our vows than to be sitting with them after the wedding and saying, “I didn’t know she was like this!”  This was the beauty of the relationship that we developed with our counselors.  They challenged us to challenge our relationship and ourselves to make sure that we weren’t doing things “on the rebound” or “loneliness” as some people thought we were doing.

By the end of our sessions, we had a deeper appreciation of who we were as a couple and individuals and what things we had to commit to on a daily basis to ensure that our relationship would not become boring and stale, rather full of energy and love.  Our love and devotion to ensuring that we would not make the same mistakes from our past and our commitment to each other were so evident that our counselors believed that we were in a good place to move forward with our desire to become husband and wife and were pleased to give their “seal of approval.”  I recognized the tests and trials that we had to undergo and appreciated the ferociousness and dedication to ensuring that we had a strong and solid foundation to have a successful marriage.  I came out of the sessions being thankful that there were people like John and Kim who were called to help strengthen marriages by challenging couples to do what is necessary to be a success.

Too many times people think counseling is for couples that have things that are going bad.  We learned that counseling can be used when things are going good as well.  I compare it to getting a tune up before problems start arising in your vehicle.  Sometimes, replacing that older spark plug with a new and improved version can make that engine run smoother than ever before with more power and better efficiency.  Even replacing the wires with newer wires (lines of communication) can make those spark plugs run more efficiently as well.  There are so many things that counseling can do when things are good, that it can reduce, if not eliminate the need for counseling if things go bad, because you have been proactive and don’t allow it to get bad in the first place.

So, with that in mind, if you are in a serious relationship and are seriously contemplating marriage, counseling (especially by John and Kim) would be the start of a positive self-evaluation of your relationship and where you are headed.  It is far better to slow down and make corrections at the beginning of a relationship than it is to be fully committed and trying to salvage a relationship after damage has been done.  We evaluated our relationship, our faith in God and each other in regard to our impending marriage and recognized that we were hearing from Him and that He did place us together.  Now for the most intriguing part of this journey: planning the wedding.

-Terry

The Language of Love? Really?

This was a watershed moment in our relationship. We were learning how the other person “speaks” to express their love and how to listen with not only our ears, but with our hearts.

Love Languages

Faith’s Thoughts:

I was introduced to the book “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman over 10 years ago. It was presented to our single moms group and I found it so intriguing. I learned as a mom how to identify my children’s love languages (and mine) so that I could love them in the manner which they received love. It was very enlightening for me as a mom. It was also an effective parenting tactic. I wish I had revisited the book when my children became teenagers because I seemed to lose all types of “mommy cool points” when the kids reached teen years (or maybe love languages don’t apply to teens 😊). (Side note: I think I need to write Gary Chapman and give him another book idea: “5 Love Languages for Those Who Are Hard to Get Along With.”)  He has several versions focused on various groups (e.g. teens, singles, children, etc.)

I suggested to Terry that we read 5 Love Languages for Couples. I was a little intimidated suggesting a book to him because he has a very extensive library.  Terry reads a lot and he retains it all!  It’s one of the things I find fascinating about him.  He is a walking encyclopedia. Sometimes I just ask him random things that I don’t even care about just because I know he’ll either know the answer or find the answer. Although I love his big ol’ brain, introducing a new idea to him was scary for me.  I thought he would reject it and miss this opportunity to explore this book with me. I was very surprised when he said he hadn’t heard of it. Alas, I knew something Terry didn’t know 😊. Truly, I only knew the title.  I remembered the concept of the book, but I didn’t remember the details and surly I didn’t understand the content in the context of a couple’s relationship. Terry (of course) did some research about it and agreed to read it with me. I don’t know if he was just trying to appease me, but I was thankful either way.

We delved right into the books when they arrived. We assigned ourselves chapters to read and discussed them every night.  I have never had a guy agree to read a book with me, EVER!  Terry gained so many cool points when he said yes, but the way he faithfully read the chapters and shared in the discussion was absolutely beautiful! Most of the time he finished his reading before me.

Dr. Chapman introduced the concept that people naturally give and receive love in innate ways which are described as “Love Languages”. I won’t delve too deeply into the details because the book does that beautifully and I highly recommend that everyone read the book. By the end, I realized so many implications this concept has. Not just with my relationship with Terry, but my relationships with my parents, siblings, friends, and peers.  I revisited the information I had previously applied to my relationship with my children and refocused on loving them in their own (love) language.  As the title of the book suggests, there are 5 (love) languages and different “dialects” of how they are shown or received.  The languages are: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation.

I didn’t know what Terry’s love language was. I had a suspicion but I was wrong. Terry is a gift giver. He would send me flowers, chocolate, teddy bears, whatever (just because). I assumed that because Terry was big on giving gifts, that “gifts” was his love language. I was unaccustomed to receiving gifts.  I literally had a relationship where I would get dumped about a week before Christmas, so the guy wouldn’t have to buy me gifts for the holidays. Since my birthday is right around the corner from Christmas, the “breakup” would continue into the new year.  Then, there was Valentine’s Day, so you know what that meant…yup, a stupid argument to ensure he didn’t have to buy a gift in February.  Then he’d want to make up sometime around February 15th.  That went on for years before I figured out the pattern.  Absolute foolishness! Now back to Terry. I thought for sure giving and receiving gifts was his love language. But turns out, it’s not.

We learned in the book that sometimes behaviors can be learned through experiences. For instance, someone may be a good listener, because of training or profession. Quality conversations is a dialect of Quality Time.  Just because someone practices active listening, doesn’t mean that’s their love language.  There is a quiz at the end of the book which helps you identify your own love language, but more importantly, it helps you identify your partner’s love language. Couples are encouraged to know each other’s love language and commit to love their partner the way that they receive. It’s being intentional about love.

When I was a very young woman, I had a revelation about the state of relationships in my generation (at least in my surroundings).  In my view, I saw that everyone was looking at what they could get out of the relationship versus what they could add to the other person’s life.  They based their “love” on what the other person could do for them.  That formula worked until the other person could no longer deliver what was expected.  Once that happened, it felt as if they had “fallen out of love”.  This concept of loving intentionally is about love being more about what you can add to the other person vs what they can give.  When both parties are committed to doing that, it’s the most romantic language there is!  My prayer is that I always stay committed to loving Terry the way he needs to be loved.

– Faith

The Language of Love?  Really?

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

One night while Faith and I were talking on the phone, she suggested that we read a book together.  I thought that is would be a good idea to help us get a better understanding of how we thought about a subject and help both of us learn more about the other.  So, I asked her what did she want to read or was it just something that she thought about.  As always, Faith had something in mind: ‘The 5 Love Languages for Couples’ by Gary Chapman.  I had never heard of it, but she had read the version for parents to learn their children’s love language. (Side note: There are several versions on the subject and all are centered around learning a person’s love language.  The primary book is ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and I highly recommend it.)  As she explained to me the principles of the book, I thought that it would be very interesting to see what the author said about the subject and where each of us landed.  So, the next day I ordered our copies of the book and awaited their arrival.

When they arrived, I gave Faith her copy and we decided to read a chapter each day and talk about the chapter we read that evening/night.  Faith kept saying to me before we read it together, “I know what your love language is, and the book is going to confirm it.”  Well, even though I hadn’t read the book, I knew I wouldn’t be pigeonholed by any category.  Never have and probably never will, but I told her “We’ll see if you are right or not.  But I’m not what you think.  I know me.”  She was certain that from her previous exposure to the teachings that she new what my language was/is.  Boy, was she in for a surprise!

As we continued to read each chapter and discuss what it entailed, we began to learn more about ourselves and well as each other.  Some of the things that I thought she ‘spoke’ through her love language was not what it appeared to be, while things that she thought I ‘spoke’ ended up being totally contrary to what she believed about me.  None of these things were negative, but they opened our eyes that we are more complex beings and have many layers.  In the words of Shrek, we were like onions: we have layers.  And like onions, sometimes if a layer is cut, it can make you cry.  During the 2 weeks that we were reading this book and our follow up discussions on the chapters, we would discuss our thoughts and feelings towards the subject and would relate our personal experiences to the chapter’s subject matter.  This was a watershed moment in our relationship.  We were learning how the other person “speaks” to express their love and how to listen with not only our ears, but with our hearts.

At the end of the book, there was a test that helps couples learn their love language and gives them an opportunity to discuss their findings and evaluate what their opinions at the beginning versus the end of the book.  In the end, we both learned about how the other expresses their love and receives love.  Knowing how a person receives love and how they “speak” it can help people communicate effectively and efficiently to each other.  There is no sense in speaking French when the other is speaking Italian and expect everyone to be on the same page.  The same with love languages.  By knowing how Faith receives expressions of love, I know what and how to “speak” to make sure that she knows that I love her and vice versa.  By taking a little time to learn your partner’s language of love, you may be surprised how much deeper your relationship will grow towards one another.  I know I did.

-Terry

The Blending, Part 1: Mamma Liz

In less than 10 years, she had lost both of her children and her husband of over 46 years.  There was no way I was going to back out of my promise now.

Terry’s Thoughts (T2)

So many people ask me why I still have my mother-in-law living with Faith and me.  First of all, she’s family.  Although we are related by marriage (Momma Liz is Mia’s mother), she is still my mother-in-law.  When I married Mia, I became part of her family and they became part of mine.  These people are still my family and I still consider them to be aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and they reciprocate the same feelings and sentiments.  My thought was that no matter who God sent, they were going to have to accept Momma Liz and me as a package deal.  Why? Well, I’ll tell you…I have a promise to keep.

Shortly after marrying Mia, I told my father-in-law that if anything were to happen to him, I would make sure that Momma Liz would be taken care of.  Yes, she had her children and two siblings, but I understood the responsibilities that were on the children (especially the first born) to care for their parents.  As an only child, I am well aware of the pressures and expectations that are placed on them.  As I was Mia’s husband, I wanted to make sure that her father didn’t have to worry about what would happen to his bride if something happened and he passed on.  When “Deac” (that’s what I called him as he was a deacon) was called home, I let her know that I would fulfill my promise to him.  A few years later, Momma had the first of several strokes that would leave her partially paralyzed on one side.  As I observed how it was becoming more and more difficult for her to function independently in rural Georgia, I told Mia it was time to bring Momma to live with us in Florida.  I had a promise to keep and now it was time to cash the check that my mouth wrote those years ago.

After asking her to leave her home and come live with us, Momma and I continued bonding as we had when I first started dating Mia.  I had made a commitment that I would not have the stereotypical bad relationship with my mother-in-law that you see some people have.  We started off with a good relationship and it became just like fine wine: better with time.  As time continued, our relationship continued to grow from just being a mother-in-law and son-in-law relationship, to one where she was a second mother and I was her other son.  This would be critical as in 2015, her son would receive his heavenly reward and a little over 14 months later, her daughter would receive hers as well.  In less than 10 years, she had lost both of her children and her husband of over 46 years.  There was no way I was going to back out of my promise now.

Shortly after Mia’s passing, we had several conversations.  She asked me directly was I going to put her into a nursing home or send her off to live with someone else.  I told her “No ma’am, I made a promise to Deac and Mia and I am going to fulfill that promise.”  She asked me several more times and told me that she didn’t want to get in the way as I was a single man and wasn’t married to Mia anymore.  I informed her of the promise that I made and the commitment that I made to her.  Just as Ruth made to her mother-in-law, I made the same commitment to her.  I said to her “Whomever God has for me is going to have to accept us a package deal.  You are my 70+ year old child.”  She and I laughed at the statement, but the feelings were real.  Just as a single mom would expect potential mate to accept her children as his own, whomever God would send into my life would have to face the same scrutiny, just by someone who had MANY more life experiences.

With this in mind, after Faith and I started dating, Momma asked me “Are you going to marry her?”  Wow!  Talk about being blunt and direct.  I said, “I hope so.”  Then, she asked me “Do you love her?”  Again, not expecting this line of questioning from her, my answer was short and simple: “Yes, but you aren’t going anywhere.  I told you we are a package deal.” I knew where she was going mentally and emotionally with her line of questioning and wanted to make sure that she knew I hadn’t changed my mind concerning my promise.

Several times while we were out, Faith and I would talk about the blending of the families.  I had already made it clear that Momma Liz and I were a package deal. Faith expressed that she would have been disappointed if I had changed my mind about the promise to Momma Liz and sent her away.  Just as she expected me to accept her children, she knew I expected her to accept my promise to my “other mother.”  Momma knew who Faith was, but it took time for her to really get to know and trust Faith as she had to learn and trust me over 22 years before.  Yet, she learned to appreciate the things that made Faith different and recognized her love and concern for her welfare.  This helped with the blending that was taking place in our home.  In a short period of time, Faith and Momma went from two strangers who only knew each other in passing to now Momma has a new daughter-in-law and “grandchildren.”  It is because of the love of God that Faith and I are together, and it is through this same love that we are a happy and peaceful household that is blending together nicely and Godly.  Only God.

-Terry

Faith’s Thoughts:

Terry explained to me early that he and Ms. Liz were a package deal.  Ms. Liz is Mia’s mother. She had come to live with Terry and Mia some years before.  Terry had committed to Ms. Liz’s husband on his death bed that he would take care of her.  Terry calls her momma. Ms. Liz refers to Terry as her son.  She trusts him as such.  Terry keeps up with Ms. Liz’s doctor’s appointments, he prepares her meals, he helps coordinate her care.  When Terry and I started dating, I would just observe.  He was so attentive.  I thought it was beautiful. Ms. Liz’s trust in Terry caused me to drop my guard a little bit.

With some of the criticism Terry and I received from people who knew Mia, I was particularly concerned about how her mom would receive me.  I would come visit Terry and Ms. Liz after work.  She was very polite to me.  She didn’t seem annoyed by my presence, but still I didn’t want to force myself on her.  I wanted to let things develop organically.

Terry and I prayed daily about the critical relationships in our lives.  We knew we loved each other.  We knew we wanted to be together, but we didn’t want to live in turmoil.  The acceptance of the people who would live under our roof was a huge factor. If Ms. Liz wasn’t accepting of Terry and I, things probably would have not moved as fast, but she is a woman of great faith.  She’s wise and seasoned.  She witnessed Terry care for her daughter, while also taking care of her.  She genuinely wanted happiness for him.  Because she was okay, I was okay.

Still we prayed. We prayed for Ms. Liz, we prayed about my parents, we prayed about Terry’s mom.  We prayed about the kids.  Yes, we are grown.  We didn’t have to have anyone’s approval to get married, but I loved him enough to not start our life with internal turmoil.  He and Ms. Liz had been through enough.  I wanted to bring joy and laughter into our home and not unnecessary drama.

– Faith

Divorce is like death, but death is not like divorce

The divorce class teacher told me that divorce is like death. It’s the death of a relationship and dreams. She said I needed to give myself time to grieve.

Faith’s Thoughts…

In Florida, when you apply to dissolve a marriage where minor children are involved, they require that you take a parenting course (at least they did in 2000 when I became divorced.) I found it very helpful.  I didn’t have any idea of what I was doing. I was walking around pretty disconnected. I had just started a new job. That’s not the most opportune time to start going through extreme family drama. I was within my probationary period and I remember going to work every day crying my entire shift. They didn’t keep me and I totally understand. I was supposed to be offering customer service, but I was crying on the phone. That’s not good. The divorce class teacher told me that divorce is like death. It’s the death of a relationship and dreams. She said I needed to give myself time to grieve. I probably didn’t need 17 years to grieve. I’m sure I didn’t. It didn’t take 17 years, but it did take me time to not want to punch people. It took me a while to embrace my new norm and not be upset about what that meant for my children.  Divorce is a death to relationship; however, death is not like divorce.

People who cared about me were concerned when they learned about Terry and me. They were not sure that Terry was ready to pursue a new relationship so soon after losing his wife. Some people who cared about me were not ready for me to fall in love. Being single meant I was always available. I was the one to text late at night with a situation, who would answer in the middle of the night and pray. Some people felt that dating so soon was distasteful and disrespectful to Terry’s late wife Mia. “It’s too soon”. Terry and I heard that quite a bit. We were falling in love and enjoying that excitement that new love brings, but that sentiment wasn’t initially shared. Not with everyone. There were some key figures who were very supportive; without them, there may not have been this “2nd time around for love blog”. I didn’t want to hurt or offend anyone.  I considered walking away from this wonderful man because of the disapproval of a few. We prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I thought too much. Terry and I talked a lot. We had long deep conversations. It wasn’t just his words however; I observed a lot. I observed a man who was stable, a man who was honest. A man who was genuine and willing to be vulnerable. I observed how he cared for Ms. Liz, Mia’s mom. I observed how she trusted him like a son and welcomed me without reservation. Finally, I had observed enough. Terry’s character spoke louder than anyone else’s thought that “it was too soon”. I knew that I was loved by him. I Corinthians 13 (NIV) says:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

A wise woman told me that I could measure a man’s love for me by comparing his actions to those 3 verses in I Corinthians 13. I knew was loved which made me feel safe.  I realized that I loved Terry when I became more concerned with Terry’s feelings than those of people who thought our relationship was ill timed. I still cared very much about how others felt (probably too much.) I felt a sense a guilt for finding love with Terry. I even carried it down the aisle. I had to grow up in that period. I had to learn that even with the purest intentions, one can be misunderstood. I learned that some people who mourn with you won’t necessarily celebrate with you. And that’s okay.

I prayed a lot for my husband in my period of singleness. I prayed some specific characteristics. The more I learned about Mr. Bryant, the more I recognized him as the man of my prayers. The more I realized who he was, I became astonished that I was actually experiencing the manifestation of years of prayer. People say I’m glowing since I started dating him. I think I look the same, but I also think people see a woman who is amazed that 17 years of prayer could be answered in an instant. I would have never picked Terry for myself. I’m not that astute. Every day, however, I realize why God picked him for me. I said this in my vows: He’s nothing that I expected, but all I had hoped for. Such a beautiful surprise!

–  Faith

Too Fast? Too Soon? Nah…

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

Before contemplating dating anyone, my mother-in-law had given me some very sound advice: 1) You are a single man.  You fulfilled your vows, so you are free to be with whomever God has sent to you; 2) Don’t look for another Mia.  You won’t find another like her and don’t compare her to anyone else. He (God) will send you someone that is perfect for you where you are in life.  At that moment, many thoughts and apprehensions had fallen away in an instant.  Although Faith wasn’t in the picture at that time, I knew what I had prayed and what I hoped to find.  I just had to wait, watch and listen. Shortly after we started getting to know each other, I knew that Faith was the one that God had hidden in the bush for me.

Many people who I had respect for said “Don’t do anything for a year.  You don’t want to make any decisions until a year has passed.”  Well, those that know me, know that I am a biblical scholar and wanted to see if the saying was a biblical principal or religious tradition.  I went searching and could not find a biblical precedent on the length of mourning.  The only thing that I found was the length of time that Israel mourned for Moses (30 days).  So, with that traditional hurdle past me and knowing that God does things in His own time, I had no fear knowing that He may have someone out there for me.

During this period, I had two close friends call me within a few days to tell me that I would be blessed for being faithful to Mia and honoring my vows until her death.  This just confirmed what I already felt, and I knew He would bring someone else into my life.  So, when Faith came into the picture, my prayer that night after the game was “okay Lord, if this is the woman that You have for me, You know what You need to do to allow me to prove to her that I could be the husband that You have called for her.”  It’s a wonderful and blessed thing to have a personal relationship with God.  Although many people did not initially agree with my decision to move forward with my relationship with Faith (they thought I was “lonely” or “on the rebound”), I was confident in my own feelings that I wasn’t doing anything out of grief or loneliness, but rather my belief that God was not scared of me to tell me and/or Faith to slow down.

Over the next few months, I observed people become upset and withdraw from me because I didn’t consider their feelings concerning my future.  Some stopped speaking, some expressed their disappointment that they weren’t consulted, and some people made accusations with no basis for the allegations to make themselves feel better about their decision to stop speaking to me.  All I could think was “Wow!”  Faith was experiencing similar issues with people she was close to, but in the end, we supported each other (with the help of God) through daily prayer each night.  We knew that if we could withstand these assaults during the foundation of our relationship, then we knew that no weapon that would be formed against us would prosper.

– Terry