Category: Trust

The Language of Love? Really?

This was a watershed moment in our relationship. We were learning how the other person “speaks” to express their love and how to listen with not only our ears, but with our hearts.

Love Languages

Faith’s Thoughts:

I was introduced to the book “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman over 10 years ago. It was presented to our single moms group and I found it so intriguing. I learned as a mom how to identify my children’s love languages (and mine) so that I could love them in the manner which they received love. It was very enlightening for me as a mom. It was also an effective parenting tactic. I wish I had revisited the book when my children became teenagers because I seemed to lose all types of “mommy cool points” when the kids reached teen years (or maybe love languages don’t apply to teens 😊). (Side note: I think I need to write Gary Chapman and give him another book idea: “5 Love Languages for Those Who Are Hard to Get Along With.”)  He has several versions focused on various groups (e.g. teens, singles, children, etc.)

I suggested to Terry that we read 5 Love Languages for Couples. I was a little intimidated suggesting a book to him because he has a very extensive library.  Terry reads a lot and he retains it all!  It’s one of the things I find fascinating about him.  He is a walking encyclopedia. Sometimes I just ask him random things that I don’t even care about just because I know he’ll either know the answer or find the answer. Although I love his big ol’ brain, introducing a new idea to him was scary for me.  I thought he would reject it and miss this opportunity to explore this book with me. I was very surprised when he said he hadn’t heard of it. Alas, I knew something Terry didn’t know 😊. Truly, I only knew the title.  I remembered the concept of the book, but I didn’t remember the details and surly I didn’t understand the content in the context of a couple’s relationship. Terry (of course) did some research about it and agreed to read it with me. I don’t know if he was just trying to appease me, but I was thankful either way.

We delved right into the books when they arrived. We assigned ourselves chapters to read and discussed them every night.  I have never had a guy agree to read a book with me, EVER!  Terry gained so many cool points when he said yes, but the way he faithfully read the chapters and shared in the discussion was absolutely beautiful! Most of the time he finished his reading before me.

Dr. Chapman introduced the concept that people naturally give and receive love in innate ways which are described as “Love Languages”. I won’t delve too deeply into the details because the book does that beautifully and I highly recommend that everyone read the book. By the end, I realized so many implications this concept has. Not just with my relationship with Terry, but my relationships with my parents, siblings, friends, and peers.  I revisited the information I had previously applied to my relationship with my children and refocused on loving them in their own (love) language.  As the title of the book suggests, there are 5 (love) languages and different “dialects” of how they are shown or received.  The languages are: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation.

I didn’t know what Terry’s love language was. I had a suspicion but I was wrong. Terry is a gift giver. He would send me flowers, chocolate, teddy bears, whatever (just because). I assumed that because Terry was big on giving gifts, that “gifts” was his love language. I was unaccustomed to receiving gifts.  I literally had a relationship where I would get dumped about a week before Christmas, so the guy wouldn’t have to buy me gifts for the holidays. Since my birthday is right around the corner from Christmas, the “breakup” would continue into the new year.  Then, there was Valentine’s Day, so you know what that meant…yup, a stupid argument to ensure he didn’t have to buy a gift in February.  Then he’d want to make up sometime around February 15th.  That went on for years before I figured out the pattern.  Absolute foolishness! Now back to Terry. I thought for sure giving and receiving gifts was his love language. But turns out, it’s not.

We learned in the book that sometimes behaviors can be learned through experiences. For instance, someone may be a good listener, because of training or profession. Quality conversations is a dialect of Quality Time.  Just because someone practices active listening, doesn’t mean that’s their love language.  There is a quiz at the end of the book which helps you identify your own love language, but more importantly, it helps you identify your partner’s love language. Couples are encouraged to know each other’s love language and commit to love their partner the way that they receive. It’s being intentional about love.

When I was a very young woman, I had a revelation about the state of relationships in my generation (at least in my surroundings).  In my view, I saw that everyone was looking at what they could get out of the relationship versus what they could add to the other person’s life.  They based their “love” on what the other person could do for them.  That formula worked until the other person could no longer deliver what was expected.  Once that happened, it felt as if they had “fallen out of love”.  This concept of loving intentionally is about love being more about what you can add to the other person vs what they can give.  When both parties are committed to doing that, it’s the most romantic language there is!  My prayer is that I always stay committed to loving Terry the way he needs to be loved.

– Faith

The Language of Love?  Really?

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

One night while Faith and I were talking on the phone, she suggested that we read a book together.  I thought that is would be a good idea to help us get a better understanding of how we thought about a subject and help both of us learn more about the other.  So, I asked her what did she want to read or was it just something that she thought about.  As always, Faith had something in mind: ‘The 5 Love Languages for Couples’ by Gary Chapman.  I had never heard of it, but she had read the version for parents to learn their children’s love language. (Side note: There are several versions on the subject and all are centered around learning a person’s love language.  The primary book is ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and I highly recommend it.)  As she explained to me the principles of the book, I thought that it would be very interesting to see what the author said about the subject and where each of us landed.  So, the next day I ordered our copies of the book and awaited their arrival.

When they arrived, I gave Faith her copy and we decided to read a chapter each day and talk about the chapter we read that evening/night.  Faith kept saying to me before we read it together, “I know what your love language is, and the book is going to confirm it.”  Well, even though I hadn’t read the book, I knew I wouldn’t be pigeonholed by any category.  Never have and probably never will, but I told her “We’ll see if you are right or not.  But I’m not what you think.  I know me.”  She was certain that from her previous exposure to the teachings that she new what my language was/is.  Boy, was she in for a surprise!

As we continued to read each chapter and discuss what it entailed, we began to learn more about ourselves and well as each other.  Some of the things that I thought she ‘spoke’ through her love language was not what it appeared to be, while things that she thought I ‘spoke’ ended up being totally contrary to what she believed about me.  None of these things were negative, but they opened our eyes that we are more complex beings and have many layers.  In the words of Shrek, we were like onions: we have layers.  And like onions, sometimes if a layer is cut, it can make you cry.  During the 2 weeks that we were reading this book and our follow up discussions on the chapters, we would discuss our thoughts and feelings towards the subject and would relate our personal experiences to the chapter’s subject matter.  This was a watershed moment in our relationship.  We were learning how the other person “speaks” to express their love and how to listen with not only our ears, but with our hearts.

At the end of the book, there was a test that helps couples learn their love language and gives them an opportunity to discuss their findings and evaluate what their opinions at the beginning versus the end of the book.  In the end, we both learned about how the other expresses their love and receives love.  Knowing how a person receives love and how they “speak” it can help people communicate effectively and efficiently to each other.  There is no sense in speaking French when the other is speaking Italian and expect everyone to be on the same page.  The same with love languages.  By knowing how Faith receives expressions of love, I know what and how to “speak” to make sure that she knows that I love her and vice versa.  By taking a little time to learn your partner’s language of love, you may be surprised how much deeper your relationship will grow towards one another.  I know I did.

-Terry

To My Wife, Friend and Queen: Happy Birthday

This shed light into something that I knew in my heart that she was committed to me; this experience let me know that she had done “research” into who I was before committing to me.

Typically, we both post on a subject but not today.  I don’t publicly pronounce my affections to Faith for the world to see, but today is unlike any other day: It’s her birthday.  One year ago, today we were in the middle of planning our wedding and the rest of our lives.  To celebrate, the two of us and our chaperone Davion (yes, we had a chaperone…more on that in future posts) went to Savannah, GA.  For someone who had never been to Savannah, Faith considered it her favorite city.  Now, most people don’t consider a city their “favorite” until they have been there, but Faith was Faith.  She knew about the history of the city and when we went on our tour of the city, she was able to tell our guide some facts about the city that they either didn’t mention or from time to time didn’t know.  Yes, Faith is a closet historian.

Although I knew she was special, this experience showed me even more that before she engaged into believing in something, she did her research on the subject and made her determination before committing herself to it.  This shed light into something that I knew in my heart that she was committed to me; this experience let me know that she had done “research” into who I was before committing to me.  She used the best ‘Researcher’ in the universe: her relationship with God.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be her husband, helpmate and friend, but I am more thankful that God allowed us to come together in a manner that neither of us would have ever expected nor would have attempted on our own.  Today I salute my bride, my queen, my wife and my friend on her birthday.  I thank God for allowing you to live this time on earth and I look forward to spending even more time with you as we grow older together.

 

Love Always,

Terry

2017: Wow, what a year! What a Mighty God we serve!

I had no idea how much I desired to be loved in return. I love hard. I commit. I give it my all. In the past, my opinion was that I was the only one fighting for “love.” I thought “love” was a lot of work to go along with a lot of heartache. But what I’ve since discovered was that it wasn’t love that was hard, it was loving without being loved in return.

2017 When Somebody Loves You Back

Faith’s Thoughts:

Teddy Pendergrass once sang a song called “When Somebody Loves You Back.” One of the verses says:

“It’s so good lovin’ somebody
And that somebody loves you back
To be loved and be loved in return
It’s the only thing that my heart desires”

I had no idea how much I desired to be loved in return. I love hard. I commit. I give it my all. In the past, my opinion was that I was the only one fighting for “love.” I thought “love” was a lot of work to go along with a lot of heartache. But what I’ve since discovered was that it wasn’t love that was hard, it was loving without being loved in return.

Having this 2nd time around with Terry has been me experiencing love in a whole new way. A way that I had never seen up close and personal. A way that I never even knew existed. 2017 was a year of newness for me. I saw love take many different forms. I saw it play the background and be my silent strength. I saw love be nurturing and kind. I saw love be protective and responsible. I saw love deny itself. So new, so refreshing, and so very well worth the wait.

2017 has taught me some things about myself as well. I can’t just mask my feelings and retreat to my own space as a married woman. I am forced to deal with things because I can’t hide them from a man who loves me, nor do I want to. I am learning to lean on my partnership and allow myself to be healed instead of suppressing the way I feel.

2017 has been a year of kept promises for me. On so many occasions, I found myself in awe of something I was experiencing as it was the manifestation of a prayer I had made at some point in my life. 2017 has reminded me God is faithful! He really does hear our prayers and even if we give up on the possibility, all we need is the right yes to the right situation to make all things possible.  2017 has assured me that God’s promises don’t expire. 2017 has inspired me to shoot for the stars and not be afraid to reach them.

2017 has taught me that love is a powerful thing. God’s love for us is far greater than we could ever imagine or think!  But just as Teddy Pendergrass’s song eludes, love is so much more powerful when it’s reciprocated by both parties.  I believe God loves us and longs to be loved in return. What happens as a byproduct is greater than we could ever imagine or think.

2017 was not without challenges, but love conquered them all. The theme of our wedding was 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: (NIV):

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.

I had this verse printed out and on display in my work area to remind me. I also prayed those verses over Terry daily.  I prayed. “Lord, help me be patient with Terry and kind to him. I pray I am not envious and not boastful or proud” and so on. I prayed every verse. These verses lined the aisle at our wedding ceremony and they are hidden in my heart. This second time around, I want to constantly check my motives and govern my actions around love. As I work to better myself in 2018 and become the woman who God has called me to be, I keep in mind that my current self and better self are both wife to a wonderful man who loves me. I pray that my actions always reflect how I love him back.

-Faith

Wow, what a year!  What a Mighty God we serve!

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

Wow, what a year!  2017 has been one of the most exciting and challenging years that I have had in a long time.  From promotion on the job to getting married and blending a family to all the experiences that have gone one throughout the year, this has been one for the ages.  The year started with us planning a “small” wedding.  Faith didn’t have a wedding and we decided that it would be nice to have a “small” wedding to display our love and devotion to each other.  Throughout everything that we went through to pull it together, it was a success and off we go into the future as husband and wife.

Prior to getting married, I was promoted on my job.  I had interviewed several times earlier the year before for promotions, but I was finally successful on the first one of 2017.  Three weeks after receiving the promotion, I took my vacation and got married.  When I returned, I came back refreshed and a married man with 3 children.  Was it a shock for my co-workers and superiors? But of course!  Did they understand my decision to keep my personal life to myself? Yes, they did, but did say that they fully supported my decision and understood why.

Many of the changes that have occurred this year have been life affirming.  From my desire to marry the woman that God placed into my life, to the new experiences of having a different set of in-laws, children and nephews.  Many times, people wonder why things happen the way that they do, but when they look back on all the things that have occurred, most of the time things work out for the better.

From hurricanes to internal storms to external pressure, one must trust that the Master Chess Master is making moves further ahead than we could ever understand and depend on Him to position us to receive the things that He has in store for us.  After 2016, I knew that He had great and wonderful things in store for me, but did not expect them to materialize they way that they have in the fashion that they have. Sometimes, what appears to be a tragic situation becomes an opportunity for God to be God and move in ways that we thought would never occur.  I have a new view and understanding of my relationship with my Father and understand even better what He will do for me and my household as we continue to do His will.

2017 has been an exciting adventure for the two of us, but it has been a learning experience for me in understanding how blessed I am to have Faith, Momma Liz, the kids and everyone else who became part of our clan.  Bryant means “strong in the Lord.”  For so long, I have had to trust and depend on that strength to make it through.  It is a beautiful thing to begin to see the fruits of my faith and devotion to the things that He deemed important, manifest themselves in my life.  If there is anything that I can leave as advice for 2018 from what I learned from 2017 would be this: Don’t lose faith and continue to focus on the things that He has placed in your life to complete.  The moves that have been made in the past are beginning to manifest themselves.  Just as a seed takes time to break through the ground, grow and develop before being able to be harvested, it takes time for the moves to manifest themselves for you to receive the harvest from your faith.  A mature tree does not grow overnight.

In closing, continue to be strong and of a very good courage.  As you choose each day whom you will serve, the Bryant clan will continue to serve the Lord and be vessels for His purpose.

-Terry

 

Fear and Faith, Faith vs. Fear

Simple things in life were stressing me. I did not recognize this stressed, scared woman. I thought that it was a sign that I wasn’t in the will of God.  But sometimes right in the middle of God’s will, there will be warfare. The fight isn’t about where you are, but where you are headed.

Faith’s Thoughts:  Irrational Fear

The courtship of Terry and myself was a whirlwind. It was exciting, magical and beautiful, but also very scary.  It took so long to find him, so I was nervous that it wasn’t taking that long to fall in love with him and trust him.  I was looking for him to hurt me. I needed constant reassurance.  I put him through it. What a trooper he was. My underlying issue was that I was concerned that Terry wasn’t ready to love me.  It was the resounding thread of the people who voiced concerns, so I was sensitive to that and looking for ways where he may have displayed disinterest.

When we first started dating, Terry would send me flowers at work.  He sent chocolate covered fruit and teddy bears too. I had never received flowers from anyone, then suddenly, I was receiving them constantly. What was better than the flowers, were the notes which would be attached. I remember it had been about a month of me not receiving a gift from Terry at work. That morning on my drive to work, I was telling my best friend, “I guess that’s over. He was just doing that to impress me and now he’s done.” Of course, I didn’t express to him that I was looking for him to disappoint me. Later that day, I received a beautiful arrangement from a local florist! It was absolutely beautiful and had my cubicle smelling glorious! The best part was the card. It read, “Thought I was done, huh?”  I was amazed! How did he know to send flowers that day? Truth is, he had ordered that arrangement the previous week. The phone call to my best friend on the ride home from work was interesting. I told her about the flowers then asked (seriously), “Do you think he has my phone bugged?” LOL. See what I mean? Irrational fears.

There would be days when I was feeling overwhelmed with these fears and out of nowhere, he would send me a text, an email or a note saying something that was exactly what I needed to hear. Terry was so noble, so honest and so genuine that I couldn’t help but trust him. He didn’t let his pride get in the way and become defensive. I had talked to guys who became angry with my (very) guarded heart. Some called me names and told me that I would never find anyone. Terry didn’t do any of that.  He pursued me patiently and lovingly, assuring me that he didn’t want to take from me, only give.

Once I accepted Terry’s love for me, I allowed myself to trust him. I started to realize what a gem I had. Unfortunately, the fear didn’t leave me; it shifted. I went from having irrational fears about Terry to having irrational fears about myself. I started to be afraid of everything. If I got sick, I feared the worse. I feared that I wouldn’t be a good wife. I feared that Terry would learn more about me and be disappointed in his choice. I feared Terry would wish that I would be more like Mia than myself. I feared losing my independence. I found every reason to fear that my imagination could muster. I wanted to make sure Terry knew ALL of my flaws from the way I chew loudly, the fact that I can only cook one meal, to my smart mouth.

I wanted him to make sure that he knew exactly who he was choosing. I would think of flaws in the middle of the night and text them to him. He couldn’t say “he didn’t know”. Once we became engaged, the fears intensified. I was excited to be planning my life with him, but my mind was having constant thoughts of fear.  Some were so irrational that I couldn’t even voice them. I was afraid that I was saying yes to something that would eventually hurt me. Wedding planning was frazzling me. I was nervous and scared. The details of the wedding: my hair, my shoes, my makeup were making me nervous. Getting married meant moving and that was stressing me. Simple things in life were stressing me. I did not recognize this stressed, scared woman. I thought that it was a sign that I wasn’t in the will of God.  But sometimes right in the middle of God’s will, there will be warfare. The fight isn’t about where you are, but where you are headed. I was headed to a love I had never known from a man. I was headed into a deep friendship and intimacy. I was headed toward a covenant relationship with an honest, kind, loving man of God, yet I fought every step of the way.  I’ve always dealt with stress through writing.  Sometime, I would write my thoughts.  Other times, I would write poems.  Below is a poem that I wrote during one of my therapeutic writing session to help me through.

 

Why rush when you have forever

Knowing love ain’t going anywhere

Why skip any step in love and intimacy

Since love ain’t going no where

I used to rush it for fear that I’d lose it

Or knowing that it wasn’t real at all

But now I have it

The real thing

And I’m not afraid one bit

Of losing it

I want to experience every single step

slow and steady

My heart is ready

I’ve got forever with it, so why rush it

– Faith

 

Fear and Faith, Faith vs. Fear

Terry’s Thoughts (T2):

When one is married to a person named Faith, sometimes when talking about faith can be confusing when talking about faith and Faith.  Yet, it is important to remember that a person’s name can have a direct influence on how a person thinks or feels about themselves and their surroundings.  It has been my observation that the faith of Faith is strong, but even the strongest faith needs support from time to time.  This is the essence of being a helpmate and one of the things that we both had to adjust to as our relationship grew.

One of the things that I recognized about Faith was that she almost always looked at the bright side of situations and give people the benefit of the doubt.  Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t looking at the world through rose colored glasses, but rather believed that people had good intensions at heart and differences could be resolved through simple dialog. I, on the other hand, would consider myself at that time to be an optimistic realist.  I looked at people and situations believing that for the most part people were good at heart, but the cold reality that some people can be so focused on their own personal ideas and beliefs that they wouldn’t hear anything that was contrary to what they thought or believed.  These opposing views concerning life and relationships were things that Faith and I would have to work on together spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

As more and more people became aware of our relationship, many people would make assumptions about me or Faith.  Some people thought that I was in a relationship with Faith because I wanted a “replacement” for Mia.  Others thought that Faith was moving too fast because she had been a single mom and that I could be a good husband.  While other people had their own ideas with no rational basis for the thought.  It was during this period that Faith appeared to be having a miniature crisis of faith regarding her trust in the thoughts and opinions of others in relation to her personal beliefs.

This is not to say that I didn’t have my share of people who questioned me.  Many of the people that I knew (especially those from back home), knew that if you asked me a question directly, I would answer said question directly.  Several people asked me did I know what I was doing or was there other things at play that was expediting this relationship (read: pregnancy).  I appreciated these people being so concerned about my emotional and spiritual health and were brave enough to ask me directly.  Yet, there were a few people who created scenarios within their own mind to justify their own belief that we were making an incorrect decision.  Some people thought that we had an obligation to get their approval to be in a relationship while others felt as though we should take time to allow them to get use to the fact that Faith was now in a relationship, even though she had been single for over 15+ years.

A few people that Faith cared about deeply expressed deep seated opposition to our relationship and it caused severe anxiety within our relationship.  There would be many times which we would talk, and she would wonder aloud “I don’t know if I can take too much more of this.”  When Faith starts talking about how her faith is wavering, it was time to change gears and become the helpmate that she needed…NOW!  It would be during these times that I would rehearse the things that she told me she heard from God concerning the promises that He made to her.  Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the Word of God (Romans 10:17).  Faith (the person) needed to hear words of faith about Faith so that he faith could continue to grow in relation to our relationship.

This does not mean that she was the only one who’s faith was challenged by opposition.  There were some people who I really looked up to and respected refused to speak to me or ask me directly why move I would move in this direction at this point in time.  One thing I learned early on in my walk with Christ is that when He speaks something to you that others may feel is impossible or improbable in a certain timeframe.  He makes what seems impossible, possible.  I’m possible.  I am possible.  The situation that He speaks to you is possible because He is possible as He the “I am” in the possible.  I began to recognize that He placed Faith in my life not as a substitute, but rather a new phase in my life.  When I started dating Faith, scripture regarding faith became more real and personal than I had ever thought or believed.  Look back at Romans 10:17, now Faith (the person) cometh by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.  By me taking time to hear from God concerning who He wanted to be in my life, Faith came into my life.

Once I got this revelation, I was able to help Faith maintain and increase her faith in our relationship regardless of what others may have felt or believed.  The doubt and fear that attempted to enter our relationship, would eventually wither and fade away as we continued to rehearse what we believed and knew we heard from God concerning our relationship.  I knew she would be my bride and helpmate.  For without faith in what was revealed to each of us and Faith to support me and me supporting her, we would not have reached the point where we would be husband and wife.  Sometimes, you gotta go with what you know you know rather than what others think they know about you and/or your situation.  I thank God for my personal relationship with Him and that I know what He said is true regarding my life.

– Terry